


WHAT?

by a_xmasmurder



Series: Marvel Bites [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Family, Avengers Tower, Domestic Avengers, Domestic Fluff, Gen, Pluto - Freeform, Pranks, Snark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-10
Updated: 2014-10-10
Packaged: 2018-02-20 14:39:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2432441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_xmasmurder/pseuds/a_xmasmurder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A scene of domesticity takes a turn for the weird when the boys are involved. </p><p>Or how Steve and Bucky are sort of assholes and Tony is completely, 100% DONE.</p>
            </blockquote>





	WHAT?

**Author's Note:**

> God help me, I'm doomed to write fluff for these bastards until I die.

It was such a homey scene that Tony wanted to puke. Seriously? Captain America and Winter Soldier sitting on a couch together - well, together, not like _together_ together - and watching something silly on the brand new high definition flat screen plasma television that yours truly made. Yes. Tony Stark is now in the business of making televisions.

No, not really. He was just bored and couldn’t sleep Tuesday and, well. It just happened. Jarvis told him he didn’t blow anything up in his narco-engineering this time, and Jarvis wouldn’t lie. Except there was a rather distinctive and worryingly large crater in his workshop floor that wasn’t there Sunday. Though that could be from Thor. Or Big Guy. Or Winter Soldier.

Tony rolled his eyes. He lived with a bunch of lunatic carney hobos with insane amounts of strength. How did he even have a tower at all?

“Did Clint actually build a bird’s nest in the A on my sign?” He wasn’t expecting a response from the siamese twins on the overstuffed sofa. He was looking straight at Sam, the only sane one in the room, who was currently holding two beers in each hand by their necks and padding to the technological marvel that was Tony’s television.

“Yeah, he did.”

“Oh.” Tony wasn’t sure how to respond to that. He hadn’t expected an affirmative. He’d expected a ‘hell no’ or even a scathing look or a question of his sobriety (seventeen days and counting, since Bucky/ Winter Soldier/ Whatever his name was drinking literally everything in the tower). “What are they watching?”

Sam shrugged. “Don’t know the name of it, but it’s something NASA-related. Space...something.” He held up a cold bottle. “Want one?”

“Someone would murder me.” Tony felt mildly ill at the thought. “I shouldn’t.”

“Okay.”

Tony wanted to yelp “Jesus, I was kidding, gimmethebeerpleasethanks”, but Sam was already moving away.

“WHAT!?”

Tony and Sam both jerked to attention at the yelp, and they turned to the sofa with twin expressions of shock.

Bucky was half-off the cushions, his left leg braced against the seat. Steve had one hand gripped on the armrest and the other jammed in his hair.

“Something wrong, boys?” Tony always got a kick out of calling nonagenarians ‘kids’ or ‘boys’, just to see them snarl (Bucky) or roll their eyes (Steve). Instead of these two reactions, both men turned their wide-eyed stares on him. Tony took a step back, because they genuinely looked like someone had ran over their baseball. Or their dog. Or…

“When the hell did Pluto stop being a planet?” Bucky snapped suddenly, coming completely off the couch and standing, legs akimbo, arms crossed and staring directly at Tony as if he had something to do with it. Steve made a sound, something like one would make if their entire worldview had to be changed yet again. In a way, it did. At the noise, Bucky moved closer to Steve, putting his cybernetic hand on his shoulder.

“I -”

“Tony?” Steve sounded lost, and Tony felt a bit of coal chip off his heart. Yeah, that’s right. He fell asleep when the world was much different. And Pluto had only been discovered in 1930. It was a big deal. The ninth planet. Huge to-do about it. Suddenly, no longer a planet.

“Well, it’s still a planet, just downsized.” Tony struggled to think of a way to say it. “A dwarf planet. It doesn’t have enough mass to move things out of its path. So they demoted it.”

Bucky, bless his black little soul, actually growled at Tony. “Demoted? And you didn’t think to tell someone?”

“Me?” Tony couldn’t believe this. “How is this my fault? I’m not on the NASA board! I don’t make the decisions! Who the hell am I going to tell that Pluto isn’t a planet anymore? Why is it my responsibility?”

“Barnes, despite his ridiculous attempts to make us believe otherwise, Tony Stark is not the leader of the free world.” Natasha walked through the kitchen with an apple in her hand. “Nor is he in charge of the people who are.”

Tony held up a hand. “First of all, I never alluded to the fact that I was, I just told him that I was stupidly rich and have nothing to do with the money so I donate it. Usually. And second of all, who asked you? I don’t make people think I am the President of the United Federation of Companies, do I? Jarvis, am I not a nice, caring individual who always pays his dues and does not make false proclamations about himself?”

“Sir, I am choosing to stay neutral in this argument.”

Tony stared at his ceiling in shock. “Jarvis! This is not an argument, how is this an argument?” He blinked. “No, I’m not defending myself when it’s not even my damned fault in the first place.” He looked back down at Bucky. “Damn you and your…” He made a general gesture at Bucky’s everything. “I am not at fault…” Then he noticed the smirk. Tiny. Infinitesimal, bordering on not even there. But it was. “Bastard.”

The smirk turned into a rare grin. “Jerk. Stop calling me boy, and I’ll stop baiting you…” He trailed off as he looked back down at Steve. “C’mon, let’s watch something different.”

Steve, unfortunately, was still staring blankly at Tony, then the screen. He lifted a hand and pointed uselessly at the program. “When did Pluto stop being a planet?”

Now everyone stared at the seemingly lost child that had replaced Steve Rogers. Bucky snorted. “You’re kidding me. You aren’t actually hung up on a planet...oh, no.” He smacked his forehead with the metal hand. “Ow.”

“What’s ‘oh, no’?” Tony was the lost one now. “Oh no is not a good phrase, especially around an Avenger. ‘Oh no’ is usually reserved for Jotun monsters. Or building-eating blobs. Or the Fantastic Four showing up at a company picnic. Or actually pissing Bruce off, which I have done and let me say zero out of ten, would not recommend.”  

“I liked Pluto.” Steve sounded so quiet and Tony wanted to shake him.

“Stevie.” Bucky now had a very uncomfortable look, like he'd swallowed a whole pickle. “Steve, man, you can’t be serious right now. Idiot.”

“Pluto was like me.”

“Of all the -”

Tony held up both hands and whined. “No, no no. Rogers, we don’t do ‘sad puppy’ here. We just don’t. That’s Thor’s excuse. You can’t do that.”

Bucky was rolling his eyes and making exasperated noises. “Steve, you can’t have emotions over a planet. I thought you knew, I was just making a joke.”

Steve dropped his head into his hands, muttering about the little ones always getting picked on, and Tony made the universal noise of giving up. “I’m not dealing with this. Pepper, I’m not dealing with this, find a therapist or something - Sam!” He turned to Wilson, who started to shake his head in the negative. “No, you are perfect for this, this has got to be some sort of childhood post-traumatic thing, right? I’m right, I’m always right. Unless I’m not, in which case just assume I am and everything will be fine.”

Sam still shook his head. “Nope, this is not something I am willing to deal with. Snark and teasing and bullshiting is not something I deal with.”

Tony stared at him. “That was that asshole’s fault.” He pointed at Bucky. “His fault, not -” Then he heard Steve snorting into his hands. “You. Hateful man.”

The snorting turned into peals of rough laughter from the two soldiers.

Tony was miffed. “I...I seriously thought you were having a breakdown, Steve, how could you do this to me? You know I don’t handle things like this, I’ve got interns to do that for me, right Jarvis?”

“Sir, that would be Dummy.”

“No.” Tony shook his head. “Dummy is not my moral compass, he wants to spray me with fire-retardant every time I land in my workshop. He is not a good role-model. Or an intern.” He glared at Steve and Bucky, who were back on the couch and literally draped over each other in stitches. “You suck. You all suck.”

“You...actually thought…” Steve gasped, “that I haven’t gotten caught up with news...from 2006? I’m old, but I’m...ha, I’m not stupid!” He pushed Bucky off him. “And YOU!” He poked Bucky hard in the side, under the body armor he still insisted on wearing. “You fell for it too!”

Bucky rolled his eyes again. “I’m used to you blubbering on about the ‘little man’ always gettin’ shafted.”

Steve shoved him completely over the back of the couch, and Bucky let out a yelp as he hit the floor behind it. “Asshole!”

“Jerk!”

“Bastard!”

“Shithead!”

Tony stared at Steve. “You are capable of swearing?”

Steve flipped him off and dove over the back of the couch to land on Bucky, and then all bets were off. Tony sat down on the floor and gave up entirely on having a normal home life ever again. Sam sat down on the couch and flipped the channel to the football game. Natasha sat next to him with another apple and grabbed a beer off the coffee table. They ignored when the couch would move a couple inches from either of the two boys slamming against it in their roughhousing.

Clint wandered into the room, took one look and turned right back around.

“You have grass sticking out of your hair!” Tony shouted after him.

“I do not!”

“GET YOUR NEST OUT OF MY A!”

“And this is why we shouldn’t all live together.” Bruce handed Tony a cup of coffee. “You’re gonna need it. When they get like this, they won’t stop until someone is unconscious.”

Tony stared at him and nearly missed the flying shoe. It crashed out through the bay window.

“BUCKY NO! That’s my favorite pair!”

Then another shoe hit the air outside of the Tower.

“That’s it. I’m gonna toss you out next!”

Sam and Natasha braced as the couch moved a whole foot, and Tony fell backwards in dismay as Steve and Bucky rolled towards the broken window. “Jarvis, can you - I don’t know, activate the suits or a safety net?”


End file.
